So in my last blog post, I talked about me being a troll, the trolliest of trolls actually...but I’m a changed woman now, somewhat. Anyways, this post is about me progressing and growing in another way, through journaling.
For those of you who don’t know me, my temperament can be VERY terrible, my fuse is super short, well it used to be. Now it takes a little bit more for me to go off on or go in on someone, regardless of who you are, and it's definitely less exhausting of a process. I'm not exactly sure when my anger became a real issue for me or even when it started to build up , but over the past few years I noticed that it had become a problem. A problem that affected some my friendships and even relationships in the workplace as far as saying and doing things that have gotten me written up.
STORY TIME: While in college, I worked as a server believe it or not and my attitude and temperament didn't affect my tips, I made pretty good money; my attitude did however affect my relationship with management at times. One time in particular, a couple came in and ordered a specific dish that featured 3 of our popular items and wanted to substitute one of the items for double of another, sounds like a simple, non-issue order right? Normally it wouldn't have been, but this day we were 86 (that means out of an item in restaurant terms) that item they wanted double of. I knew this when they ordered, so I let them know before I walked to the kitchen that I JUST came out of where I was told we were out. So of course the man is throwing a fit asking me how we're out of that item when it's key to the cuisine we serve. So I'm on the verge of asking him "Dude, if I had control over that, do you think I'd be taking your order right now," instead I politely asked him if he'd like something else and of course he says no and proceeds to leave, which in turn I'm like okay...have a great day. If you thought I was about to pacify you because your coping skills over something so stupid is at a negative 10 right now, then you thought wrong. So as I'm waiting to be sat with another table, my manager chases them down out of the door and talks to them, convinces them to come back in, and seats them at the same table. So of course the guy is like "well your manager just said you had that item," I replied, "well we must have just gotten more, we always run out, and I wouldn't have made that up." [Like fam...I work off tips, you think I'm just out here trying to make this job even more difficult? pipe down] On my way back to the kitchen, my manager rushes up to me and is like "Angela, why did you say we were 86 ______?" and at this point I'm irritated and over it. Y'all were too incompetent to make sure we had enough of our most popular menu item and it's my fault I told the truth? OH. So...I answered his question, by replying " Because we were 86 _______," but I mocked him and mirrored his mannerisms...body language...voice...everything...I didn't have the time. I walked off and proceeded to go about my workday, in which that couple ended up tipping me EXTREMELY well. At the end of my shift, my manager wanted me to come in the office and sign a write up, I'm like for what? His fragility got the best of him and my anger got the best of me, getting me written up for being insubordinate and I realize now, he was right. I could have handled this situation a lot better.
FAST FORWARD to earlier this year, I went on a family trip and my best friend came as well. So one of those days we were talking and I was irritated and angry about something, and he looked at me and asked if I've tried journaling before. He proceeded to tell me that he used to deal with anger and an incident happened where he started writing in a journal/notebook and it changed his life. He's a very happy, positive, and easy going person and that alone attracts all the right things and people to him, so that sparked something in me. I'd heard of the idea of journaling before and never tried it...but in that particular moment, knowing that someone I was close to recognized that my temperament and short fuse was a problem, that they'd been there before, and found something that worked for them, I thought to myself, "why not?" I figured if it would help my attitude and I could exude light and be a light to others as he is for me, then I probably should try it out...and so I did...and...IT WORKED/WORKS.
I looked up different journaling ideas on Pinterest and one concept in particular caught my eye. It was Bible inspired and didn't require much of anything, just a notebook, and a willingness to be open to being a better person. I made my own index to keep it somewhat structured as far as pages go and to help me see the progress that I make daily regarding the things I talk about to God and how I handled them. I also included a section to express gratitude in addition to my gratitude journal that I have, prayers for others, and praise reports.
Journaling definitely requires a willingness to be consistent in the beginning until it comes a routine to you and you HAVE to do it, otherwise your day is thrown off, and believe me, when I don't I definitely notice a difference. Being able to get my thoughts out whether negative or positive and go to God about them makes me feel like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders. Whenever I feel angry about something or feel myself about to go in about something or someone, I go to my journal and let it out and let God handle it. He wants us to lay our worries down, our battles down, and anything else we may be facing and let Him fight for us, and journaling has really allowed me to do that.
I am so grateful that God used my best friend to reach me in a life-changing way. It's not just as simple as putting words on paper.... it's the fact that through journaling I am able to express myself in a way that I love doing which is through writing, but it's allowed me to go to God first with every worry and burden, to trust him, not let my anger get the best of me, and become a better woman and Christian.
If you've ever thought about journaling and you don't know where to begin, you can look on Pinterest for ideas or you can just simple grab a notebook and start writing. It doesn't matter how much you write, it's about releasing whatever you need to and letting God handle it from there. He knows what you need before you even say it or think it, so it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be.
1.) What do I love about myself?
