Hey guys!
So this is day 5 of my mental wellness challenge and this is a pretty personal one.
Today we are discussing and addressing your biggest struggle with mental wellness. It doesn't always have to be something as big as depression or some type of disorder, it can be as simple as you not spending enough time to renew your mind; just anything that you struggle with that can potentially put your mental wellness at risk. This blog is all about coming into my own, self-acceptance, and helping my readers do the same through transparency of my personal experiences and battles. So with that being said...let's get into today's post!
Growing up, I never really liked playing with other children, sometimes I’d even wish to be at home, in my room, by myself, playing ALONE. I’ve always found a certain solace in sitting alone and having moments and even days to myself. At what point does that solace turn into silence about what’s really going on? Back then I didn't know what this was leading to or what is might have been but today I know and I've accepted it....that it is ANXIETY.
I never really knew what anxiety was or how it was affecting my life, my relationships, my friendships, etc.
Some of my anxiety is and some of it is based on experiences that I have had. Anxiety magnifies everything to the thousandth power and the difference in what I think I am experiencing and what I am actually experiencing differs exponentially. I remember a specific time one of my old friends was going to prom and I tried helping button the top clasp that really secures the dress and of course, the clasp came off. After I apologized, I remember getting super angry because in my mind, she made a big scene and all eyes were on me for the mistake that I made. It’s not that I didn’t want to take ownership of the mistake I made because I apologized, I just didn’t know how to deal with the embarrassment and imaginary judgement I was facing. The situation for me was a lot more magnified in my mind and years later on her wedding day, I dared not to even think about touching her dress, I couldn’t even fathom making a mistake that day. There’s a picture of us where it appears as though I am helping lace up the back of her dress, but the gag is, I barely had my hand on her dress and I immediately backed away after the photo was snapped. The smile plastered on my face in the photo is a grave misrepresentation of how I was actually feeling, which was me crumbling with every second it took for that picture to be taken. 😓
The time in 2009 my friends and I got into a near fatal car accident with a semi truck and I've been scarred ever since. People tend to think that I’m being unreasonable, but that's not it at at all. I start thinking about all the things that did happen and all the things that could have happened. I have this fear of that happening again and I get anxious, moody, and I even lash out at other people for not driving the way I think they should or at least taking into consideration my fear. The accident was almost a decade ago and still, being on the road sends me into a tailspin . Everyone else seems to have moved on for the better, but not the passenger with anxiety. No, no, the passenger with anxiety replays the scenario in over and over in their mind and keeps reliving it.
As a “creative” or content creator, it gets difficult to be expected to always have new ideas rolling out and producing content on a regular basis, but let me tell y'all. it's easier said than done, especially in my case. My mind feels like a web browser with the maximum amount of tabs open at the same time with all of these different ideas...and trust me, they are super dope. All of the ideas I have in my head and one minute I am super motivated about them and the next I get super overwhelmed by all of them and shut down. Those times...anxiety wins and I end up laying in bed until noon or watching old episodes of NCIS and Law and Order: SVU until 5:00pm. I’ve learned and allowed myself to be okay with taking a step away and unplugging from my work for the sake of my sanity.
Then let's not talk about socializing.... I am introvert naturally, though I have my social butterfly moments, but 85% of the time I am in my shell, cringing at the thought of crowds and small conversation with random people. Making a commitment to go on trips or networking events and cancelling because I am overthinking or overwhelmed with these hypothetical situations of everything that can go wrong when I am networking is not my personal definition of "black girl magic." Everyone talks about black girl magic and my anxiety just won’t allow me to feel and give that sometimes. So I'm either at these events looking "stuck up," or I'm not at them at all. To be real... I wouldn't say that I am stuck up, I just don’t know what to say. Also, people are constantly like, "you look mean,"well 1..I have no reason to be mean to a stranger and 2... I have RBF, or “Resting B**ch Face.” With RBF, I used to have no idea that I looked like that, but when I did, and I realized that it could "work in my favor," I adopted it as one of my defense mechanisms. I figure if I look mean enough that no one will approach me, so then I won’t have to deal with all of the ridiculous scenarios that I’ve come up with in my mind to play out. On the other side of the spectrum, when I decide to not attend events or parties, my thought process is: "How am I supposed to not shrink around all of these successful, beautiful, intelligent black women that are thriving?" or "I wonder if they'll be able to tell that I am super anxious right now because I don't want to come off like I don't know something or end up looking crazy."
This is my first time really opening up to people that aren't close to me about having anxiety because it can get frustrating when you're trying to talk to someone about it, but I am happy that I am. The first thing someone says when you say you have anxiety is, well "the bible says in Philippians," that’s all well and good and I know what the bible says; but at what point are we going to realize that mental health is a separate issue than worrying about something minuscule? It's not that I don't trust God with the situations that I am anxious about, that's not the issue at all. It's literally something that is affecting your brain. People say that they don't understand but sometimes I feel like people don't want to understand, especially since it's something that doesn't personally affect them. Also, discussing mental wellness and illness among minorities is still something that is LACKING. People are suffering in silence because we are too afraid to share something or reach out to people because you don't want people looking at you a certain way. The stigma needs to be deaded because it's ignorant to think that something doesn't affect one certain race of people.
Thankfully, my anxiety isn't as bad as other people's, but it's never easy, sometimes it’s a constant uphill battle. Being prescribed medicine is a route that I haven't had to take so I am able to apply a more holistic approach and use essential oils for aromatherapy. The two oils that I use when I feel myself getting anxious are from doTERRA and they are
Peace and
Balance which I am OBSESSED with. I use them topically on the back of neck, behind my ears, my wrist, and/or on the soles of my feet. The oils definitely help me feel a sense of peace and tranquility, in addition to journaling, practicing mindfulness to stay in the moment and not overthink, and putting on my Vibin' playlist!
Whatever your battle with mental wellness may be, it is definitely something that you should evaluate and try to address. No matter what you think people may think or say, how they may treat you...you are taking control of your life and your health. It's definitely easier said than done to say you should speak out because you may be able to help others too, but definitely help yourself first..you can't pour from an empty cup. Think about your own health, your overall wellness, and realize that it doesn’t matter how others see you in terms of having a mental illness...this is about you!
I hope you all enjoyed this post and were able to get inspiration or courage from it. Until next time!
-xoxo
Angie
