JTS Week 1: My Body Image Journey

Hello All!

I know it's been a minute, but I am back with another post and my first post for Journey to Self September. As you seen in the last post, week 1 is all about self/body image and in today's post I will be opening up to you guys and keeping it real about my self image journey. So with that being said...let's get in to today's post!

My self-image journey has been an annoying one at times, one that has broken me at a certain point, but a triumphant one in the end. I've been told everything from my feet are ugly, my eyebrows were bushy, my lips are huge, I needed to gain weight, I need to get breast implants, I need butt implants, my friend looked better, ETC., you name it...I've probably heard it.

Once upon a time in high school my lil boo told me that my feet were ugly because my toes were skinny (and they are...at that point I'd had them for about 17 years so I like...I know this) and y'all know what I did? For a whole year I wore closed toe shoes, EVEN IN THE SUMMER, and summer in Oklahoma is HOT, okay. Thankfully I eventually thought to myself this is so stupid, I'm going to wear my sandals and whoever doesn't like it, doesn't like it, you're about to get whatever toes you I give you.

Fast forward to a few years later, I remember I found myself lowkey checkin' for this guy in college, we chopped it up from time to time, and so one day we were talking and I'm not sure how the conversation started, but he said something to the effect of "you're not thick enough." I'm like uhhh...okay. So we're just going to throw out my actual QUALITIES and focus on the shortcomings of my physical attributes? Got it. Needless to say, I stopped checkin' for him because what I'm not going to do is try to change myself for someone that thinks that shallow. This wasn't the first time I'd heard that and it certainly was not the last time . When people look at me they're like why would you complain about or feel a way about your physique? Though the compliments and the gassing me up with fake jealousy that my waist is small and my butt looks "big" because of my frame made me smile, you get tired of hearing the same thing over and over from people you call yourself checkin' for and they're like NAH sis, gain weight.

I've actually always been up and down in my weight and struggled with maintaining one size, with several factors at the core of it. My metabolism being super fast is one of them and also when I'm going through a super stressful time, I start to lose weight, not intentionally of course, but my eating habits tend to be T-RASH. I'll eat here and there because I'm focused on getting something done, kind of like now, I am SUPER hungry because I have to get this post done chile.

Just like it was then...thick is the thing to be now whether it's naturally or cosmetically enhanced, and I look and see that folks are suffering and some are actually dying from these hip and butt injections/implants they are getting or have gotten, and to me....it's just not worth it. I appreciate people like K. Michelle coming out and sharing her story about how her body alterations started to heavily affect her life drastically  and LaLa for producing the Killer Curves documentary. So many women are and I think the risks should be brought to the light so that it is taken into consideration before making such a change to your body. Also, it's so important that if you do decide to undergo surgery to do whatever you feel is necessary to make yourself feel good, do it for YOURSELF, no one else.

Another part of my body-image journey is feeling a certain way about my skin color. Not wishing that I was white, because I've never seen being Black as an affliction, I consider it an advantage. At times, I wished that I was fully black and had darker skin because in my mind and really the way society is set up, my blackness and worth to get certain things would be a lot harder to question.

Colorism is REAL from all standpoints, no point or feeling is invalid, and I have multiple feelings about it.

One of those feelings is that I hate feeling like the token negro that was hired or chosen for the role because folks NEEDED someone black, but not someone who's body produced too much melanin. On the other hand, I also hate that some people question the opportunities I've been given because I am fair-skinned, as if I wasn't good enough to get the chance based off of my own merit.

Also, there is a notion of a certain skin tone, especially among women, being the equivalent to beauty and that's just not right. I'm a realist and I'm one of those people who KNOWS that just because you have fair-skin that it doesn't automatically make you cute, trust me I know. There are plenty of women with darker skin that look a hell of a lot better than I do and leave me in AWE of their beauty and there light skin women that I know have been gassed up because they are light skin.

There have been times that I've haven't felt good enough nor pretty enough compared to those around me, but then I had to realize that by comparing myself I was robbing myself of my own uniqueness. As I've gotten older and gotten to a place of acceptance in my body/self-image journey, I've learned to work through those feelings of inadequacy as far as my physical appearance and begin to focus on what's really important. I had to get out of the habit of basing my worth or self-confidence off of what other people have to say about me or what society deems as beautiful or perfect.

MY Creator deemed me worthy and made me FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY and I know that beauty is FLEETING.

So instead of focusing on superficial things that God does not care about, I am focused on becoming the best me that I can be. I am working on my soul and embracing my SLIM frame, small boobs, skinny toes, big lips, fast metabolism, and my skin that annoyingly tans and burns in splotches. I know that my purpose is bigger than my physical appearance and I'm hoping that through this post, I am able to reach someone that may be struggling with heir own self-image journey.

Just know that you are WORTHY, you are enough, and you are exactly who God created and intended you to be. You are LIT, sis.

-xoxo

Angie

Journey to Self September

Hey Loves!

After a much needed break from social media and putting projects and other things into perspective, I am back and I am better! This post will be short and sweet as I give you a brief run down on what's poppin on the blog for this month.

SO...as you can see from the title of this blog post, I've cooked up something for the month of September called Journey to Self. Journey to Self is a month long blog series in which I will be talking about 4 very important areas of becoming the best you: self (body) image, self acceptance, self love, and self care.

If you take a look to the right, you will see which week is dedicated to which part of the series so that you can follow along and look forward to certain blog posts.

I will also be using my YouTube page to introduce blog activities to supplement these posts in the series as well as sharing curated playlist for each week and sometimes for particular posts on my Instagram Story!

If you are not following any of these pages, I have embedded the links into the post and I will also list them below.

Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/absolutelyad/
YouTube : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCi7oK-XcFI8OOxJEJGGXX2A

Well guys....that is all for this post! Be looking out for tomorrow's first post of the series, My Body Image Journey.

xoxo

-Angie

Living with Anxiety: The Interview

Hey Loves!

This post is super short and sweet!

So if you've been following me on social media and/or reading the blog, you know about living with anxiety post I did a couple of weeks ago. After posting I received a message from Keita Owens, a LPC ( Licensed Professional Counselor), to do an interview! I didn't think twice about doing the interview and was ecstatic that she reached out to me to talk with her. I know the old me would have been worried about judgement or people writing me off for openly speaking about anxiety, but my mission with starting this blog and brand was to reach people through being transparent, so hey! 💁 

I sat down with Keita and told her about why I am speaking out, my mental health journey, and my coping methods for anxiety. Check it out!! 

                                       

By the way, I will be adding more content to my YouTube channel in the very near future so don't forget to subscribe to my channel so you'll be in the loop!

As Always...

xoxo

-Angie

Self- Discovery Challenge

Hey guys!

It's been a minute, but I'm back with a new blog post!

I came up with a new challenge for the blog and my followers on social media and it goes a bit deeper than the mental wellness challenge. This challenge is about self-discovery and being honest with yourself about your attitude towards things, how you handle situations, pain you've been through, etc. 

This year I've really been on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and self-love and it has been super beneficial and rewarding. I'm more at peace with where I am in life and where I'm going than I've ever been and part of the reason is because I've been able to be honest with myself. Being honest with yourself and your feelings is one of the best things you can do for yourself and other people in the long run, and hopefully this challenge will help you do that!

So two of the questions on the challenge that I would like to share my answers with you all are: 

1.) What do I love about myself?

2.) What do I need more of in my life right now?

For the first question, this question has become a lot easier for me to answer in the last year or two because I've really been focused on genuine self-love and not just saying I love myself for social media. One of the things I love about myself is my ability to let things go and realize that everything happens for a reason and it is apart of God's plan. Romans 8:28 is something that I stand firmly on which is: All things work together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. Whether you believe in Christ (which I do) or the Universe, all the things that you go through, good or bad, and all the lessons you learn along the way, they work together for your own good. 

The next question is what do I need more of in my life right now and I have to say, I need to keep and maintain the notion of "positive vibes only." I know it sounds cliche to say, but it's completely real! Now we aren't always going to have days where everything is going right, but we do have a choice of focusing on the negatives or being grateful for the positive things that are going right, and that's really what I've been focusing on. I want to maintain the level of peace I'm at by focusing on the right things!

Well guys...that's all I have for this post. I will be back with more content as the challenge goes on and I have a blog activity planned as well, so stay tuned! 

-xoxo

Angie

Living with Anxiety

Hey guys!

So this is day 5 of my mental wellness challenge and this is a pretty personal one.
Today we are discussing and addressing your biggest struggle with mental wellness. It doesn't always have to be something as big as depression or some type of disorder, it can be as simple as you not spending enough time to renew your mind; just anything that you struggle with that can potentially put your mental wellness at risk. This blog is all about coming into my own, self-acceptance, and helping my readers do the same through transparency of my personal experiences and battles. So with that being said...let's get into today's post!

Growing up, I never really liked playing with other children, sometimes I’d even wish to be at home, in my room, by myself, playing ALONE. I’ve always found a certain solace in sitting alone and having moments and even days to myself. At what point does that solace turn into silence about what’s really going on? Back then I didn't know what this was leading to or what is might have been but today I know and I've accepted it....that it is ANXIETY.

I never really knew what anxiety was or how it was affecting my life, my relationships, my friendships, etc.

Some of my anxiety is and some of it is based on experiences that I have had. Anxiety magnifies everything to the thousandth power and the difference in what I think I am experiencing and what I am actually experiencing differs exponentially. I remember a specific time one of my old friends was going to prom and I tried helping button the top clasp that really secures the dress and of course, the clasp came off. After I apologized, I remember getting super angry because in my mind, she made a big scene and all eyes were on me for the mistake that I made. It’s not that I didn’t want to take ownership of the mistake I made because I apologized, I just didn’t know how to deal with the embarrassment and imaginary judgement I was facing. The situation for me was a lot more magnified in my mind and years later on her wedding day, I dared not to even think about touching her dress, I couldn’t even fathom making a mistake that day. There’s a picture of us where it appears as though I am helping lace up the back of her dress, but the gag is, I barely had my hand on her dress and I immediately backed away after the photo was snapped. The smile plastered on my face in the photo is a grave misrepresentation of how I was actually feeling, which was me crumbling with every second it took for that picture to be taken. 😓


The time in 2009 my friends and I got into a near fatal car accident with a semi truck and I've been scarred ever since. People tend to think that I’m being unreasonable, but that's not it at at all. I start thinking about all the things that did happen and all the things that could have happened. I have this fear of that happening again and I get anxious, moody, and I even lash out at other people for not driving the way I think they should or at least taking into consideration my fear. The accident was almost a decade ago and still, being on the road sends me into a tailspin . Everyone else seems to have moved on for the better, but not the passenger with anxiety. No, no, the passenger with anxiety replays the scenario in over and over in their mind and keeps reliving it.


As a “creative” or content creator, it gets difficult to be expected to always have new ideas rolling out and producing content on a regular basis, but let me tell y'all. it's easier said than done, especially in my case. My mind feels like a web browser with the maximum amount of tabs open at the same time with all of these different ideas...and trust me, they are super dope. All of the ideas I have in my head and one minute I am super motivated about them and the next I get super overwhelmed by all of them  and shut down. Those times...anxiety wins and I end up laying in bed until noon or watching old episodes of NCIS and Law and Order: SVU until 5:00pm. I’ve learned and allowed myself to be okay with taking a step away and unplugging from my work for the sake of my sanity.

Then let's not talk about socializing.... I am introvert naturally, though I have my social butterfly moments, but 85% of the time I am in my shell, cringing at the thought of crowds and small conversation with random people. Making a commitment to go on trips or networking events and cancelling because I am overthinking or overwhelmed with these hypothetical situations of everything that can go wrong when I am networking is not my personal definition of "black girl magic." Everyone talks about black girl magic and my anxiety just won’t allow me to feel and give that sometimes. So I'm either at these events looking "stuck up," or I'm not at them at all. To be real... I wouldn't say that I am stuck up, I just don’t know what to say. Also, people are constantly like, "you look mean,"well 1..I have no reason to be mean to a stranger and 2... I have RBF, or “Resting B**ch Face.” With RBF, I used to have no idea that I looked like that, but when I did, and I realized that it could "work in my favor," I adopted it as one of my defense mechanisms. I figure if I look mean enough that no one will approach me, so then I won’t have to deal with all of the ridiculous scenarios that I’ve come up with in my mind to play out. On the other side of the spectrum, when I decide to not attend events or parties, my thought process is: "How am I supposed to not shrink around all of these successful, beautiful, intelligent black women that are thriving?" or "I wonder if they'll be able to tell that I am super anxious right now because I don't want to come off like I don't know something or end up looking crazy."

This is my first time really opening up to people that aren't close to me about having anxiety because it can get frustrating when you're trying to talk to someone about it, but I am happy that I am. The first thing someone says when you say you have anxiety is, well "the bible says in Philippians," that’s all well and good and I know what the bible says; but at what point are we going to realize that mental health is a separate issue than worrying about something minuscule? It's not that I don't trust God with the situations that I am anxious about, that's not the issue at all. It's literally something that is affecting your brain. People say that they don't understand but sometimes I feel like people don't want to understand, especially since it's something that doesn't personally affect them. Also, discussing mental wellness and illness among minorities is still something that is LACKING. People are suffering in silence because we are too afraid to share something or reach out to people because you don't want people looking at you a certain way. The stigma needs to be deaded because it's ignorant to think that something doesn't affect one certain race of people.

Thankfully, my anxiety isn't as bad as other people's, but it's never easy, sometimes it’s a constant uphill battle. Being prescribed medicine is a route that I haven't had to take so I am able to apply a more holistic approach and use essential oils for aromatherapy. The two oils that I use when I feel myself getting anxious are from doTERRA and they are Peace and Balance which I am OBSESSED with. I use them topically on the back of  neck, behind my ears, my wrist, and/or on the soles of my feet. The oils definitely help me feel a sense of peace and tranquility, in addition to journaling, practicing mindfulness to stay in the moment and not overthink, and putting on my Vibin' playlist!

Whatever your battle with mental wellness may be, it is definitely something that you should evaluate and try to address. No matter what you think people may think or say, how they may treat you...you are taking control of your life and your health. It's definitely easier said than done to say you should speak out because you may be able to help others too, but definitely help yourself first..you can't pour from an empty cup. Think about your own health, your overall wellness, and realize that it doesn’t matter how others see you in terms of having a mental illness...this is about you!

I hope you all enjoyed this post and were able to get inspiration or courage from it. Until next time!

-xoxo

Angie

Mental Wellness Challenge: Day 4

Hey everybody!

If you've been following my mental wellness challenge, you know there's been some really cute things going on each day. Today is day 4 of the challenge and it's no different, today I am challenging you all to create yourself a journal!

This journal can be fancy or simple as long as you start it, that's all that matters. The next 10 days after today, things are going to get real as far as answering questions about your relationship with your mental wellness. A journal would be great to have so that you can get really get all your thoughts out and answer questions that are geared towards much needed self-reflection.

With that being said, let's talk about one of the journals that I have...
Feast your eyes to the right on my "Cultivate Gratitude" journal! In addition to the notebook journal I made that I talked about in the My Best Friend Changed My Life blog post (I included the link just in case you hadn't read it), I also use this journal as a part of my time with God.

One of my good friends and fellow blogger Haley (here's her blog link :  Essentially Haley Blog. She has great content especially for new moms and essential oil junkies like myself)  was telling me about this really cool planner that she got and sent me pictures and I was instantly intrigued! So I moseyed on over to the online store and purchased the planner. I kept scrolling and I came across a really cool book bundle and my journal that I am going to discuss today!





So with this journal it has a front and back side for each day that you write in it. In the "today is" section, you can put the put the date or even something like "a good day!" Next is the I'm grateful for box, you can choose to put one thing or however much can fit in that box, whatever your heart desires.

So each day you write, the journal gives you a scripture that is grounded in gratitude or thanksgiving. Whether it's about God's mercy, grace, love, forgiveness, etc., it gives you an opportunity to be grateful in a biblical way. I usually write the scripture out and if there is anywhere that I can personalize the scripture to where I am giving thanks, then I switch it to "I."

When you flip the page over, at the top of the page, it's asking what is on your heart today. Since I have the other journal where I go in depth in my prayers and letters to God, I try to express what's on my heart pertaining to whatever I put in the "I'm grateful for" section. At the bottom of the page, it has a section for a word of the day and I never really know what my word is going to be until after I am finished writing out the scripture and expressing the gratitude that I feel.

Well guys, that was all for this post, I wanted to keep it short and sweet because how you set up your journal or whatever you purchase should cater to what you need. If you are interested in any of the products I discussed in this post, I have provided tons of links below!

You can find this journal here --> [Gratitude] then the Cultivate + Make it Happen book bundle, and my bomb Goal Planner! If you want to browse their shop for other products the link is... Cultivate Shop. They have so many awesome things to help you cultivate a meaningful life, meaningful work, and a meaningful relationship with God; even things for the kiddos!

Until next time...

-xoxo

Angie

Mental Wellness Challenge: Day 2

Hello all!

So today is day 2 of the #13914MWC and this one is also a "fun" one depending on how you're feeling or where you are in life's journey, as I am encouraging you all to make a list of 10 things that make you happy!

I say that it depends on how you are feeling or where you are in your journey of life because sometimes it's so easy to let things get us in a funk and not count our blessings or you could be going through something where you don't know what makes you happy. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to get transparent and keep it all the way real with you all...

Life comes at you fast chile. I had this thing about calling people "weak-willed" and never understood how people let themselves get into a situation where their life's plans were contingent on the person's they were with...until I became the person I talked about. In my last relationship, I started out super ambitious, I had a plan of where I was going and what I wanted to do. We were together for awhile and eventually I let their plans for our life and their career goals take more importance over my own. After all, his plans were more "practical" and made the most sense, provided better for the life we lived and planned to live. Things happened along the way and I no longer recognized myself. I was caught up in that person and what I thought they wanted and needed me to be as well as living up to other people's expectations for us and timelines, until one day  had enough. I didn't know what made me happy, the lines were blurred as far as what I ACTUALLY enjoyed and things I enjoyed because we were together. I think when you don't know yourself getting into a relationship, that can be a gateway to a disaster, so it's super important to have an idea of who you are by allowing God to define you and not other people, so that you don't experience what I did.

Now that I've taken awhile to get to know myself, build myself back up, and began seeing myself the way God sees me...I am happy. I am content with where I am, where I am going, and the work that he is doing within me! I am by no means perfect and I still have character flaws that I am working through on a daily basis, but I am at peace with myself. A year and a half ago I think my list would have been SUPER sparse based off the head space that I was in. Now I am at a place where making this list was difficult because I had to narrow it down. Being in a space where you find joy in the little things is so beautiful, less exhausting, and definitely the space that I want to remain in! So with that being said...

In no particular order, here is my list of 10 things that make me happy:

1. Writing.
2. Music.
3. Spending time with my family and friends.
4. Alone time to reflect.
5. Champagne.
6. Great food.
7. Seeing and feeling the results from working out.
8. Seeing God's artwork through nature.
9. Giving back/ doing philanthropic work.
10. Educating people on various things.




So a quick break down of my 10:

1. I  L O V E writing!
I've loved writing since I was about 5 or 6. Fun fact: my first grade teacher Ms. Athey told my mom I was going to be an author, I believe it. Whether it's a book manuscript, television script, movie script, or blog post..you can find me stressed ( good stress...if that's a thing lol) trying to perfect it, but happy I'm doing something I love.

2. MUSIC ... Man music is something I honestly can not live without. 90% of the time when people ask what I'm doing my response is, "Sitting here doing blazae blazae and listening to music. I love every genre of music, I could listen to Anita Baker, Biggie, Kirk Franklin, and Luke Bryan all in one day.

3. Spending time with my family and friends is one of my favorite past times. They really bring me joy and laughter and there's nothing like being around people who know you and love you. I'm super family-oriented so my future husband has to be the same way.

4. Alone time to reflect is one of my favorite past times as well. Singleness definitely taught me to enjoy my own company, although I stayed in my own world in a relationship too...that's neither here nor there. But I have always loved spending time alone to reflect on life and just take in the moment.

5. Champagne is definitely an acquired taste and I only know one other person, my Line Sister, who loves it as much as I do. I love the sound of the cork popping and taking in a crisp sip of bubbly!

6. Great food makes me happyyyyy chile. I L O V E food. Like...love it! People are always like how do you stay so small and eat so much...I just want to thank God for genetics and the BAWDY he has blessed me with. lol.

7. Seeing and feeling the results from working out is on my happy list because I used to hate working out, until one day, I decided I was going to work out for myself and not because I felt forced to. So seeing the results from my hard work, my abs pushing through and my tush looking RIGHT...makes me smile.

8. Seeing God's artwork through nature is one of those things what I mean enjoying the little things. Blessings don't always have to be extravagant or materialistic. Have you ever just stepped out on a balcony and looked a sunset or looked up at the stars covering the sky all while listening to the waves of an ocean, JOY.

9. Giving back and doing philanthropic work definitely feels good to the soul and makes me happy. So many of us forget that we have basic necessities and then some, while families are homeless, hungry, don't have clean water, their health is declining, etc. One of the ways I love giving back is through my foundation, The Sorella Foundation. You can click the link if you'd like more information!

10. Educating people on various things is one of my favorite things to do. I love having insightful conversations with people and doing little things like sharing "On This Day" via instagram stories. That goes for music, sports, race relations...just anything I find interesting or something that I connect with that I think people should know!

Well I hope you all enjoyed this post, as I have really enjoyed being transparent with you all about a tough time and I pray that this post actually speaks to someone as they read it!
Until next time...

-xoxo

Angie

Mental Wellness Challenge: Day 1

So for those of you who follow me on social media (All platforms = @absolutelyad ) then you'd know that I started a mental wellness challenge!

I wanted to start something that will get the conversation about mental wellness and mental health awareness started, but also make it something enjoyable.

So for day 1 I began with something I think we all enjoy, which is music. I know for me, music is something that I can't live without and it definitely is something that I turn to no matter what emotion I am feeling. In regards to the challenge, I definitely have a go-to playlist which I call "Vibin'." This is a playlist that gives me all the good vibes that I need when I'm not having a good day or even when I am and it's one of those, "let me just chill" days. A few of the artists that are on my playlist are Anita Baker, Jhene Aiko, Daniel Caesar, and Xavier Omar.

If you don't have a playlist like this, I suggest and CHALLENGE you to make one. You don't have to use the particular artists that I named, add artists that make music that puts you at ease. Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed, want to set the mood for a chill day, or you need to unwind for the day..cut this playlist on and VIBE.

Well guys...this post was short and simple, not too much to get into, but if you would like me to share my playlist or want to share yours with me, feel free! Thanks for reading and if you are joining me on the mental wellness challenge, use the hashtag #13914MWC, I appreciate the love!

-xoxo

Angie

My Best Friend Changed My Life

So in my last blog post, I talked about me being a troll, the trolliest of trolls actually...but I’m a changed woman now, somewhat. Anyways, this post is about me progressing and growing in another way, through journaling.

For those of you who don’t know me, my temperament can be VERY terrible, my fuse is super short, well it used to be. Now it takes a little bit more for me to go off on or go in on someone, regardless of who you are, and it's definitely less exhausting of a process. I'm not exactly sure when my anger became a real issue for me or even when it started to build up , but over the past few years I noticed that it had become a problem. A problem that affected some my friendships and even relationships in the workplace as far as saying and doing things that have gotten me written up.

STORY TIME: While in college, I worked as a server believe it or not and my attitude and temperament didn't affect my tips, I made pretty good money; my attitude did however affect my relationship with management at times. One time in particular, a couple came in and ordered a specific dish that featured 3 of our popular items and wanted to substitute one of the items for double of another, sounds like a simple, non-issue order right? Normally it wouldn't have been, but this day we were 86 (that means out of an item in restaurant terms) that item they wanted double of. I knew this when they ordered, so I let them know before I walked to the kitchen that I JUST came out of where I was told we were out. So of course the man is throwing a fit asking me how we're out of that item when it's key to the cuisine we serve. So I'm on the verge of asking him "Dude, if I had control over that, do you think I'd be taking your order right now," instead I politely asked him if he'd like something else and of course he says no and proceeds to leave, which in turn I'm like okay...have a great day. If you thought I was about to pacify you because your coping skills over something so stupid is at a negative 10 right now, then you thought wrong. So as I'm waiting to be sat with another table, my manager chases them down out of the door and talks to them, convinces them to come back in, and seats them at the same table. So of course the guy is like "well your manager just said you had that item," I replied, "well we must have just gotten more, we always run out, and I wouldn't have made that up." [Like fam...I work off tips, you think I'm just out here trying to make this job even more difficult? pipe down] On my way back to the kitchen, my manager rushes up to me and is like "Angela, why did you say we were 86 ______?" and at this point I'm irritated and over it. Y'all were too incompetent to make sure we had enough of our most popular menu item and it's my fault I told the truth? OH. So...I answered his question, by replying " Because we were 86 _______," but I mocked him and mirrored his mannerisms...body language...voice...everything...I didn't have the time. I walked off and proceeded to go about my workday, in which that couple ended up tipping me EXTREMELY well. At the end of my shift, my manager wanted me to come in the office and sign a write up, I'm like for what? His fragility got the best of him and my anger got the best of me, getting me written up for being insubordinate and I realize now, he was right. I could have handled this situation a lot better.

FAST FORWARD to earlier this year, I went on a family trip and my best friend came as well. So one of those days we were talking and I was irritated and angry about something, and he looked at me and asked if I've tried journaling before. He proceeded to tell me that he used to deal with anger and an incident happened where he started writing in a journal/notebook and it changed his life. He's a very happy, positive, and easy going person and that alone attracts all the right things and people to him, so that sparked something in me. I'd heard of the idea of journaling before and never tried it...but in that particular moment, knowing that someone I was close to recognized that my temperament and short fuse was a problem, that they'd been there before, and found something that worked for them, I thought to myself, "why not?" I figured if it would help my attitude and I could exude light and be a light to others as he is for me, then I probably should try it out...and so I did...and...IT WORKED/WORKS.

I looked up different journaling ideas on Pinterest and one concept in particular caught my eye. It was Bible inspired and didn't require much of anything, just a notebook, and a willingness to be open to being a better person. I made my own index to keep it somewhat structured as far as pages go and to help me see the progress that I make daily regarding the things I talk about to God and how I handled them. I also included a section to express gratitude in addition to my gratitude journal that I have, prayers for others, and praise reports.

Journaling definitely requires a willingness to be consistent in the beginning until it comes a routine to you and you HAVE to do it, otherwise your day is thrown off, and believe me, when I don't I definitely notice a difference. Being able to get my thoughts out whether negative or positive and go to God about them makes me feel like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders. Whenever I feel angry about something or feel myself about to go in about something or someone, I go to my journal and let it out and let God handle it. He wants us to lay our worries down, our battles down, and anything else we may be facing and let Him fight for us, and journaling has really allowed me to do that.

I am so grateful that God used my best friend to reach me in a life-changing way. It's not just as simple as putting words on paper.... it's the fact that through journaling I am able to express myself in a way that I love doing which is through writing, but it's allowed me to go to God first with every worry and burden, to trust him, not let my anger get the best of me, and become a better woman and Christian.

If you've ever thought about journaling and you don't know where to begin, you can look on Pinterest for ideas or you can just simple grab a notebook and start writing. It doesn't matter how much you write, it's about releasing whatever you need to and letting God handle it from there. He knows what you need before you even say it or think it, so it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be.

I Used to be a Full-Time Troll, Now I'm just Part- Time.

Y'all...I used to be a troll, and I am not referencing my pink hair okay...I mean I used to be a TROLL in a sense of trying to get under people's skin; it was terrible.  If I got irritated about something that I saw or heard someone say, whether it was about me or any of my friends or family, I'd pop my knuckles and get to trolling. I don't just match what was said, I try to one-up it and take it too far sometimes. My trolling wasn't just on the internet, it was in real life/in-person too, I always said and still say things to purposely make people upset and then wait on their next move. I'm quick with the clapbacks and a good shady read too. Like "Oh you tried it, so now I am about to give you a good, HONEST, filthy READ and see what you have to say now." I just ALWAYS have something to say and it's honestly annoying at times because I sit back an think, "Angela, why did you have to say that?"

For example, I went to eat the other day (and yes I said the other day because like the blog post title says "now I'm just part-time.") with my family for my sister's birthday and of course, it's a packed Friday, so there's a wait. Now I didn't have anything to say about the wait because I've worked as a server and I know sometimes folks don't like to get up from the table, causing parties to wait. Sidenote: if you can, try to be mindful of these two things: it not only holds the server from making more money (they don't get the minimum wage pay amount, so tips are imperative), but people are waiting to enjoy the same experience you just did. ANYWAY, back to me always having something to say. We're waiting inside the front doors, not quite in the lobby, where people are walking in and out. So this lady comes in the restaurant, puts her name on the list and walks away with her pager they give you to tell you when your table is ready. As she comes through the doors I'm telling my family something and she is alllllllllllllllllllll IN MY MOUTH y'all. To be specific, I saw something hilarious and I started cracking up and my family is wondering why, so I say, "the reason why I was laughing was because.." When I tell y'all this lady stopped then tried to open the door slowly to be nosey and listen to the rest of the conversation, I mean she might as well had asked what I was laughing at. So mid-sentence I say, "stop being nosey trying to open the door slowly, nobody is talking to you," then I proceeded with my story as she quickly exited the area. I know that was terrible, but I can't stand nosey folks, but STILL it was terrible. 

The sad thing is, when I tried to come up with an example to give y'all, my mind went blank because there are too many occasions and I don't have just a single go-to example chile. I genuinely just had to sit there and ponder what the hell I was going to give y'all, which is pretty sad I must admit. At one point during me thinking of these times, I started busting out laughing and laughed for like 3 minutes at how ridiculous I can be. I am working on it though, really hard. 

I realized that I don't always have to have a comeback for something, I don't always have to have the last word, I don't always have to tell someone about themselves. There's definitely a difference between responding to something or someone and being combative. Being combative is not a great trait to have as a person and not as a well-rounded woman, but choosing WHEN to respond instead of REACT is. 

I am a work in progress chile, BUT every day I am transforming into a person that I couldn't see myself being because I had been one way for so long. In my next blog post, I will share with you all how I started making necessary changes and my inspiration behind deciding to make these changes!

To play on the title of this blog post, I wanted to drop a troll-inspired look for you all to enjoy below. All of these pieces are actually from Forever 21, which I no longer own because well, happy weight is realllll y'all, and then like...those shoes hurt my feet so they had to go. ENJOY! 

-xoxo

Angie

The Journey Begins

I read a devotional in one of my Bible plans (What are You Called to Do?) and one of those things that stuck out to me was we are called to invest. Meaning, invest in the gifts that God has given us and don't sit on our hands with them. The question of what can I be working on today convicted me and I finally decided to STOP procrastinating, which I have a bad habit of doing. I really realized I have gifts to share and things to say, that might just change or transform someone's life and I have to stop sitting on my hands.

So to get into things, the meaning behind me naming this blog 139:14 is that I want to encourage women to see and celebrate themselves as God created an intended them to be. Also, I want to encourage us as women to celebrate our individuality and not base our worth, beauty, or success off of society's standards and what society deems acceptable regarding those things. Nobody is perfect, it's not about that, it's about honesty and transparency through your journey of becoming the best woman that you can possibly be.

When I came up with the concept of 139:14, I doubted myself soooo much even though it kept coming up. Like I was literally RUNNING from the thought of creating this space because I thought that I wasn't good enough to create anything with a bible verse as a brand name. In my mind, I'm thinking, "I mean this sounds good, but I am nowhere near perfect enough for people to even take this seriously." Then I finally came to realized that it's not about perfection, it's about people relating to someone like them and walking through this journey we call life together. I wanted and needed to create a space to blog and get my thoughts out, my honest thoughts about EVERYTHING: my journey through life and love, caring and loving on others as well as myself. And y'all...when I say honest, sometimes y'all might read a post and be like, "oh girl, that was a little too honest," but I don't believe in reaching people through faking or half telling someone something, that's not genuine.

Also, I'm going to have a little bit of fun on this blog by sharing my style, like OOTD, style guides, look-books, etc.! For those of you who don't know me, I love fashion and clothing; I went to school for Merchandise Marketing & Management, had 2 fashion blogs, put on fashion shows, I was even an NFL stylist at one point. So needless to say, you'll definitely be getting some great fashion content from 139:14 (at least I hope) in addition to REAL TALK!

I can't wait to share the things I've been working on for you all, this blog, and to be open and honest with all of my readers.

One thing that I am going to personally keep in mind is that "our journey is great and life is short," so I need to get to work, and whatever you are procrastinating on or talking yourself out of, GET ON IT!

-xoxo

Angie